Is there something wrong with me??

So two weeks ago, I did something that I do not encourage any single female to do…I looked up my ex’s. And to be honest, what I found did nothing but make me feel a little crap. When looking up your ex you want to find that they have turn bummy, in prison or have baby mama drama. So you’re extremely happy that you missed that bullet and you’re doing 10 times better without them. THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. Okay, yeah sure career-wise I’m doing better than him but why am I single? Please tell me.

This made me question…what’s wrong with me? The guy I once thought I was spending the rest of my life with, I’m sure is now engaged and living with his fiance, my recent ex of two years is now in a relationship and the last guy I was dating is posing in bed with a new chick on snap chat! So am I the stepping-stone to them finding The One? I teach them how to love and how to treat a girl then they go and love someone else.

To be honest, in most of these situations I’ve cut these people off and yes, I have had a couple trying to come and resurface into my life. But it still hurts not knowing that they could be giving new girls what I wanted from them.

Of course, they could be being treating them the same as they treated me, which is more likely, but at the time of this ‘research’ I was thinking the worst. I started to think of all the issues I’ve had in my relationships and the patterns I’ve seen. Once I get into a relationship I put myself of the back burner and focus on the relationship and making it work. I think I lose what they fell in ‘like’ with, (the driven, independent chick) as I become dependent on them.

It’s in my nature to want to help and push people to achieve their dreams, and I lose myself and my dreams because I really want this to work. I’m a fixer. I’m trying to fix everyone’s issues (family & friends as well) and not focusing on myself. I give more then I should to someone that is not giving me the same. I also think it has gotten worse since my mother moved countries. Maybe because I’ve never had a stable man in my life I want it so bad that I put too much pressure on my relationships to work. I don’t know. This is a pattern that I’m working on. I know that I use to hold on to relationships that I know are not good for me because I didn’t want to be alone. Although I’m not at this point anymore, it’s something I needed to acknowledge.

After feeling sorry for myself for a day to two…(okay three) I had a real look at myself and realised and remembered the kind of person I am and what I bring to the table. I’m bringing weight to the table! Emotionally, I am the most supportive person ever. I’m the girlfriend that will buy you a present for you just for you trying your best in a test, just to let you know much I appreciate you or put a smile on your face. I help you with your work and look after you when you’re sick. I will do anything I can to make you know that you’re wanted. I just treat people how I would like to be treated.  I know that that my pros out weight my cons, and most importantly, I would date me!

You have to ask if you would you date yourself, if the answers no – honey, you got work to do! Self-love comes before anything. How do you expect anyone to want to you if you don’t like you? Or value you if you don’t value yourself?

What I realised is that there is actually nothing wrong with me (or you)…it just isn’t our time. God (or whatever you believe in) has something better then you can even imagine. If you look  back at your ex imagine how your life would really be like now if you were still with them.

I could have a child by now and I wouldn’t have graduated at university of my dreams. I don’t think I would be unhappy but I wouldn’t be as independent as I am now. And as for my recent ex, With that one, guys…I wouldn’t even be in this country (it’s a long story).

Please, just remember this:  You are no less of a woman if you’re not in a relationship. You need to love yourself first and feel complete alone before you can be someone else. For me, making my career about sex and relationships makes me think about my relationship past constantly but, now I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind. It will happen when the time is right. Until then I will date in abundance and do a lot of sex toy research 😉

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xoxo